I recently overheard a conversation about a friend whose husband had just died. I didn’t start to really pay attention to the conversation until she mentioned a $4,000 purse. A Trixie who had completed the mating phase, and convinced Chad to move to the suburbs to enjoy a life of leisure and childbearing, had recently become a widow. Chad passed and left her with a nice amount of insurance money being that he was an insurance broker.

Trixie promptly began to spend the money and the following is a small portion of the list I overheard.

1. $4,000 purse
2. Remodeled the kitchen for $80,000
3. Had a $25,000 pool installed
4. Given her personal masseuse enough money in tips that she bought herself a new set of boobs.

This got me thinking of what Chad would die if Trixie had died and left a small fortune in trusts to Chad.

1. Install a basement bar and stripper pole
2. Auction all purses and shoes on eBay to net an additional $100,000
3. 90 inch plasma and in-home theater system
4. BMW 6 Series Convertible
5. Microbrewery
6. Speedboat
7. Jet ski

First Wicker Park was the new Lincoln Park, then Logan Square was the new Wicker Park and now Jame Gross of the New York Times has published an article about how the West Loop might be the new “it” neighborhood on the edge of gentrification. I do not feel that the West Loop can even compare to Lincoln Park today or even in 10-20 years.

It is clear that the influence of the village had encroached upon the borders of Wicker Park. More large stores are moving in, rents are increasing and the gritty feel of the neighborhood is slowly diminishing as the flavor and style of Lincoln Park changes Wicker Park more and more every day.

The alternapeople of Wicker Park are getting pushed another Blue Line stop to Logan Square where guys can feel free to wear super-tight jeans while sipping on their non-Starbuck’s coffee and women can dress in thrift-shop bought dresses.

The article compares Chicago’s West Loop to new York’s Meatpacking District, which has already been gentrified and talking about the current artist and restaurant population in the West Loop.

On Lake Street, boutiques and galleries are sprouting under the elevated train tracks that stripe the asphalt with shadows. Every few minutes, a train thunders past, but the fashionable newcomers don’t seem to mind, not with the cheap rents.

In Chicago, Slaughterhouses to Art Houses

I’ve been to Fulton Market Street on many occasions for business. My first issue is with the neighborhood’s connections to the CTA. If I want to go to 1000-2000 W Fulton Market (the long but less smelly way), I can take the Brown Line south to Merchandise Mart, walk to Clark/Lake, get on the Blue Line to Grand and then take the Grand buss to around Racine/May Street.

Another way, a complete (faster but more poverty soaked) bus route, would be to take the Halsted bus south to Grand and take the Grand bus East. These cannot compare to the elegance of the Brown line with convenient stops at Armitage, Fullerton, Diveresy and Wellington, Washington/Wells and Quincy.

How are you going to get from your luxury condo in the West Loop to your job in the 60606? Grand bus to the Milwaukee bus? There is no brown line involved in that route.

My second issue is with the history of the neighborhood. Meatpacking. While you walk around in your nice J-Crew Long snorkel goosedown puffer jacket,  men are literally tossing dead fish and meat around while the beeps of forklifts backing up to load more dead carouses surround you. This does not compare to walking down Armitage and stopping into Active Endeavors to get a $80 designer T and then CBA for a quick bagel to kill the remainder of your hangover from last night’s $1 bottle night at Kinkade’s.

The West Loop is not the New York Meatpacking of 10 years ago. It does not have the allure, CTA connections or migration of a future Chadtastic populous. 

Chicago Bagel Authority (“CBA”)

Chad, when waking up on a Saturday afternoon have you ever wondered, where can I go to cure this hangover? The answer to that and many more questions is CBA. CBA caters to varying degrees of hung-over-ness with delicious sandwiches and chilled coolers of Gatorade and Diet Coke all the while letting you remain within a 3 block radius of the bar you were at last night, your local Starbucks and a brown line stop.  An E-town express or Mr. Turkey may be just what you needed to help you recover in time to hit Bar-Louie on Clark tonight.

CBA is also the perfect eatery for Trixie’s to hold their weekend sorority meetings for active members as well as Alums. Sisters can enjoy any sandwich served on a low-carb wrap as an alternative to their bagel which is a must. So grab a Vita-Water from the cooler, put in your order and grab a table large enough for everyone so Kari and Carrie can read aloud the minutes from last weekend’s meeting.

For generations, boys and girls have enjoyed Candyland as their first board game. In 2006 we have turned Candyland into Chadland. This color photo game requires no reading on the part of the players and is easy for even the blondest of Trixie’s to follow. Players have their servants or proxies move their primary-colored auto of choice cutouts around the rainbow path, moving through Lincoln Park by matching the corresponding bars, starbucks and shopping destination spaces from the same on the pick deck. The player who reaches Barleycorn on Lincoln first wins. Prove to your newest Trixie that you have what it takes to “win the big game.”

Playing cards thoughtfully designed for non-readers are coded with colorful images matching the jeweled stepping-stone path through the district or an occasional token matching one of the shop’s symbols: draw a starbucks card, move to the nearest starbucks location; draw a Sports Bar card and earn a visit Kinkades on Armitage. There are occasional pitfalls, too: land on the wrong square and you might be stuck on a CTA bus until a brown line card is drawn. With all these enticing, Chad appropriate images (and drunk girls and beer plainly visible at path’s end), Chad’s can’t help but be delighted by Chadland. It’s delicious!

This game is suitable to two to four players; Trixie’s and Chad’s can even play it alone. As a primary learning tool, Chadland fosters a Trixie or Chad’s exposure to directions to local bars, shopping, the brown line, starbucks recognition and drinking skills. The game promotes thinking as well as delegation in the form of teaching one’s proxy or servant to play. By playing games with others (clearly other’s servants/proxy’s is understood here), Chad’s are encouraged to socially interact in a more controlled manner with their Trixie’s, which helps develop character for future endeavors at the firm.

There are two uses for grapes. The first is to mash them up, wait a while and get Trixie drunk (usually a few glasses of white at Tilli’s does the trick). Also, in raisin form, they can help you to stay regular when you can’t go.

Grapes in their dried up state should never be included in a cookie. The combination of raisins, oatmeal and a cookie is disgusting. Chads and Trixie’s watch out when selecting a $1.99 dessert at Cosi! Their oatmeal raisin cookies can be easily confused with the chocolate chip ones.